America + Hawaii = Awesome.

Legend has it that in 1829, when president Obama first opened his eyes as an infant cradled in the luscious palm trees of the Hawaiian coast, his mother’s first words to him were “Barack, pork seasoned in lots of Garlic is very tasty.” It has been this phrase that has guided much of Obama’s political career, making it a no brainer that we – as American chefs – must take Momma Obama’s words to heart. It is true, such a thing is dangerous and certainly presents the modern culinary artist with incredible challenges. Science has shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that when garlic and pork interact at such an intense level, the roof of one’s mouth could turn to jelly and slide down the esophagus. How to temper this immense power? The answer seemed too simple. Sauce.

The quest began. The right berry simply had to be found. There were red, blue, boysen, elder goose and huckle – mull, blackcurrent, rasp, straw, cloud, cran, seabuckthorn, chuck, and Manilow. Even after extensive research, no berry had been found that could block the powerful yet delightfully healthy seasoned meat. Finally, however, inspiration came. What had made the story of Obama’s birth so stimulating? It was the promise that Omomma Bama saw in her son. And with that, the riddle was solved. Obama had been born as an African American and in so doing had provided his culinarily-minded constituents with the clue they needed. Embrace the change America needs – use the blackberry.

You’ve had wraps, sure. But what you didn’t know is that they all sucked. Like our esteemed president once said, vote for the change that this nation deserves. The Mele Kalikimaka Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Aloha Hoy is the Culturally-authentic Hawaiian wrap for the smooth and savvy modern American voter. Eat up!

MELE KALIKIMAKA HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA ALOHA HOY
By Natreed Bernelnick

Ingredients:

1 small pork shoulder
8 cloves garlic
1 cup instant rice
1 pound package of fresh blackberries
1 bunch of green onions
1 package of fresh spinach
½ cup water
½ cup vinegar
½ cup blackberry juice
1 cup sugar
4 tablespoons cornstarch
2 cups flour
½ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 tablespoon butter
½ cup water

Directions:

Prepare pork shoulder by inserting garlic cloves. Place in pan with tin foil cover and cook on 300 degrees for 3 hours. In small saucepan, combine sugar, vinegar, blackberry juice, water, and cornstarch. Let simmer. Follow instructions and prepare rice. Chop green onions. Mix together flour, salt, baking powder, butter, water, and ¼ cup blackberries until elastic consistency. Break into small balls of dough and roll out very thin. Toast in ungreased frying pan. When the pork is done, pull it into hunks. Place rice, spinach, green onions, and pork meat on tortilla. Drizzle with blackberry sweet-and-sour sauce. Enjoy.