The Night Old Dixie Returned

Well before man took flight – before the west was ever witnessed or won – before the battle of Northern Aggression issued from the cold industrious warlords of New England – there was a place where man was free to cook with as much fat as he could afford. This paradise of the pan, this buttery backdrop of blessed bread, this locality of liquid lipid luxuries – can be found today in the kitchens one would be privileged to behold in the Deep South.

The old creation narratives of American southerners often feature a strange goddess pouring forth buttery precipitation over the fertile plains of North America. Legend has it that she began in the great state of Mississippi, but by the time she reached Northern Virginia, her supply had begun to grow rather thin, and there was simply not enough of the life-giving lard for all of the earth to enjoy. Unfortunately for the Northern states, only the South was so fortunate as to receive an adequate dose – and thus the current culinary conditions are further explained.

Since attending college, this fundamental lack of resources has made itself increasingly apparent. As if stunted intellectually by the deficit, people have often taken to eating salads and even vegetables without purifying them with heavy doses of ham fat and salt. Something had to be done. The skillet would have to be unsheathed and wielded once again as a divine tool of cosmic proportions. These northerners didn’t even know what their souls craved. A biscuit was required.

I submit that there’s only one thing better than the chicken sandwich - the chicken biscuit. And there’s only one thing better than the chicken biscuit – two of them. A word of caution – these biscuits should only be consumed in mid-life – God has been known to call infants and the elderly home early if he or she should in fact choose to partake of this fullness in either of the extremes of life.

Enjoy!

DIXIE CHICKEN BISCUITS
By Natreed Bernellnick

⅔ cup buttermilk
1 egg
1 cup shortening
7 tablespoons butter
5 all-purpose flour
4 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons sugar
½cup finely shredded cheddar cheese
4 slices of bacon
4 tablespoons garlic powder
5 thinly sliced chicken breasts
2 dried chipotle peppers
a selection of other preferred spices

Begin soaking chicken breasts in buttermilk and put aside. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Cook bacon until it is able to crumble. Mix together the buttermilk and egg thoroughly. In separate container, mix together the dry ingredients: baking powder, sugar, 2½ cup flower, and 2 tablespoons garlic. After chilling and cutting ½ cup shortening into small cubes, add with butter to the dry mixture. Cut into the mixture until it is roughly mixed. The desired result will be a lumpy, gravel like mixture. Gently stir in the crumbled bacon, and add the cheese. Finally mix in the wet ingredients just enough to make the dough slightly wet. Break dough into 6 biscuits and put on a greased baking sheet. Bake for 12 minutes. In frying pan, place ½ cup shortening and let liquefy. Grind the chipotle peppers with a small food processor and use a strainer to remove the seeds. In small bowl, mix together 2 tablespoons garlic, the dried chipotle pepper powder, and other spices – parsley and chicken rub work well. In separate bowl place 2½ cup flour. Toss chicken breasts in spice mixture, then, one by one, cover each in flour and fry in the pan with the shortening. Cook each until golden brown. Finally, cut finished biscuits in half, add a chicken breast, and enjoy!

Baseballs, Basketballs, Beach Balls... Ginger Balls?

So much of everyday life is centered around balls. When dad wants to spend some quality time with his son, they grab balls. Many a man spends his Sundays and Mondays watching other grown men play with balls. It is rare, however, that when one is hungry he immediately reaches for the balls. I now introduce the biggest revolution in ball technology since the ball pit-- The Ginger Balls. These incredible spheres of meatiness in an inconceivably-delicious sauce will cause you to rethink your view of all things that are round. After one bite, you will forever wish all the golf balls, footballs, super balls, and boccie balls that you see were made of animal flesh. Try these meaty orbs, but beware the consequences.

GINGER BALLS
By Natreed Bernellnick

Ingredients:
1 pound ground sirloin
1 pound ground hamburger
6 cloves garlic
1½ tablespoons ginger
1¼ cup jelly
1½ cup tomato sauce
2 slices of potato bread, crumbled
1 large egg
2 tablespoons Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon crushed red pepper
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
3 tablespoons butter

Directions:

Combine jelly and tomato sauce and simmer in a sauce pan. In separate bowl, combine meat, ginger, garlic, bread crumbs, egg, Italian seasoning, crushed red pepper, and cayenne pepper into homogenous mixture. Form tightly compacted balls from the meat mixture. Sauté meat balls in butter until done. Pour the sauce over the meat balls. Enjoy.