Mother, MOTHER...?

If you have a family, you have family recipes (that's right, I'm excluding you, Bambi). Passed down from generation to generation, these recipes are pretty much as old as rocks...and taste about the same. On Valley Road, we seek to take the cafeteria-tray dishes you've made countless times before and give them flavor of a magnitude that your tongues couldn't possibly repel. So if your granny-casserole dinners and vanilla-icecream desserts need a punch in the nuts, simply send us your ideas to valleyroadchefs@gmail.com and if it is good enough (or sucks enough) then we'll post our take.

Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting

If you are at all one of the lucky human beings residing in this specific space-time continuum, then there's no doubt that you've seen BBQ Pit Masters. Not only is it the pinnacle of Mom-jean TLC network television, but as most of the guys here at college will attest, it may truly be the vortex of all civilization, as far as one can know. Basically, the show features some of this most bizarre people we've ever seen cooking some of the tastiest meat we've ever seen. Any time spent watching will quickly introduce you to the BBQ god himself - Myron Mixon. The man's nuts and no one can really understand what he's saying. Every third or fourth word has been tactfully replaced with a beep tone. But upon watching it for the first time, we could swear he was encouraging us to cook our own. So, lucky for you, we took his advice.

Now, let me warn you. Even though most recipes are from Satan, BBQ sauce is by far the most difficult thing we've cooked - and if you're not ready to spend all of a Saturday afternoon mixing ingredients together, then you better wait till your older and more mature. The research for this recipe was particularly short - we just woke up, knew instinctively that what Myron said would come true, and headed to the food-mecca of the world, Kroger.

We began with tomato paste. Then we spent the next few hours pulling something like a Michaelangelo - cutting everything away from that tomato sauce that wasn't BBQ goodness. Well, except we added things to it instead.

After we made the sauce, we put it on a shoulder. But you don't want to brush this shoulder off. Both of us decided that it was some of the best BBQ we've had and are lucky and grateful that some of it is still with us in our fridge. So. Moral of the story - listen to Myron like he's your mother. Or a prophet. Or if your mother was a prophet, then just your mother. But, don't try BBQ unless you're cool - its development resists the proud and the ignorant. Fortunately for you, we are neither. Here we go:

VALLEY ROAD STYLE BBQ

By Natreed Bernelnick

Ingredients:

3 cans tomato paste

1 tablespoon paprika

1 tablespoon ground mustard

1 ¼ tablespoon salt

½ cup molasses

1 mango

1 large onion

2 strips bacon

1 bunch green onion

3 grilled jalapenos

¼ cup Worchester sauce

⅓ cup honey

¼ cup vinegar

4 tablespoon liquid smoke

1 bulb colossal garlic

1 pork shoulder

* Use water to thin – with discretion

Directions

Cook pork shoulder at 300 degrees for 5 hours. While cooking, add all ingredients in a large cooking pot to make sauce. When shoulder is done, tear into bite-size pieces using two forks. Add sauce until each piece is covered, but do not use more than that. Enjoy.

Kill and Eat

The recipe I'm about to share with you comes straight from the ferocious throws of blood-thirsty cook-off competition. One finds many such events at college, but unfortunately for far too many, the food isn't taken nearly as seriously as it should. Don't cook to participate, cook to destroy. Yeah, it can be true that one competes against himself, but never forget that if you lose, or worse - if you use a recipe - you don't lose to just yourself, but to all of your peers who printed their ingredients off some yuppy-Emeril food network site.

Cooking is an art. And Germany is an art - or something like that. When faced with our first challenge - to create one of America's favorite stews, the common chili - we chose to develop something incredibly unique. Ladies and gentlemen, the German Blitzkrieg Chili - a divinely delicious dish meant to transport you to the octoberfesty goodness of bratwurst and beer country.

GERMAN BLITZKREIG CHILI

By Natreed Bernelnick

Ingredients:

5 medium sweet onions

1 stick butter

1 pound hot sausage

1 pound original sausage

1 pound sage sausage

1 large can crushed tomatoes

1 can tomato sauce

⅓ can sauerkraut

2 cans black beans

¼ cup horseradish mustard

2 bottles beer

1 clove elephant garlic

1 package fresh marjoram

Directions:

Dice 4 onions and sauté in butter with garlic and marjoram. Add ½ bottle of beer. Remove from pan and set aside. Cook all sausage with the remaining onion and ½ bottle of beer. Add the onion/garlic/marjoram mixture to the sausage, and add remaining beer. Drain and mash black beans into paste. Add bean paste into mixture. Add mustard, sauerkraut, crushed tomatoes, and tomato sauce. Let simmer for as much time as can be allowed. Enjoy.

Not Your Momma's Cooks

When thinking of cooking, most people are unfortunately unadventurous. "Oh, I would like some chili!" they may say, yet their creativity ceases upon making such a retarded statement. This blog is the captain's log of food adventures universe-wide. It is the far too often untold stories of two college kids with their first kitchen - struggling not to eat well, or healthy, but to eat uniquely. You won't find your structured add-this-here, add-that-there grandma formulas. No, not at all. On valley road, two rules apply: Do your research and trust your feelings. Hope you enjoy our recipes.

If you would like to send us an email, please feel free to reach us at valleyroadchefs@gmail.com.