The Night Old Dixie Returned

Well before man took flight – before the west was ever witnessed or won – before the battle of Northern Aggression issued from the cold industrious warlords of New England – there was a place where man was free to cook with as much fat as he could afford. This paradise of the pan, this buttery backdrop of blessed bread, this locality of liquid lipid luxuries – can be found today in the kitchens one would be privileged to behold in the Deep South.

The old creation narratives of American southerners often feature a strange goddess pouring forth buttery precipitation over the fertile plains of North America. Legend has it that she began in the great state of Mississippi, but by the time she reached Northern Virginia, her supply had begun to grow rather thin, and there was simply not enough of the life-giving lard for all of the earth to enjoy. Unfortunately for the Northern states, only the South was so fortunate as to receive an adequate dose – and thus the current culinary conditions are further explained.

Since attending college, this fundamental lack of resources has made itself increasingly apparent. As if stunted intellectually by the deficit, people have often taken to eating salads and even vegetables without purifying them with heavy doses of ham fat and salt. Something had to be done. The skillet would have to be unsheathed and wielded once again as a divine tool of cosmic proportions. These northerners didn’t even know what their souls craved. A biscuit was required.

I submit that there’s only one thing better than the chicken sandwich - the chicken biscuit. And there’s only one thing better than the chicken biscuit – two of them. A word of caution – these biscuits should only be consumed in mid-life – God has been known to call infants and the elderly home early if he or she should in fact choose to partake of this fullness in either of the extremes of life.

Enjoy!

DIXIE CHICKEN BISCUITS
By Natreed Bernellnick

⅔ cup buttermilk
1 egg
1 cup shortening
7 tablespoons butter
5 all-purpose flour
4 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons sugar
½cup finely shredded cheddar cheese
4 slices of bacon
4 tablespoons garlic powder
5 thinly sliced chicken breasts
2 dried chipotle peppers
a selection of other preferred spices

Begin soaking chicken breasts in buttermilk and put aside. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Cook bacon until it is able to crumble. Mix together the buttermilk and egg thoroughly. In separate container, mix together the dry ingredients: baking powder, sugar, 2½ cup flower, and 2 tablespoons garlic. After chilling and cutting ½ cup shortening into small cubes, add with butter to the dry mixture. Cut into the mixture until it is roughly mixed. The desired result will be a lumpy, gravel like mixture. Gently stir in the crumbled bacon, and add the cheese. Finally mix in the wet ingredients just enough to make the dough slightly wet. Break dough into 6 biscuits and put on a greased baking sheet. Bake for 12 minutes. In frying pan, place ½ cup shortening and let liquefy. Grind the chipotle peppers with a small food processor and use a strainer to remove the seeds. In small bowl, mix together 2 tablespoons garlic, the dried chipotle pepper powder, and other spices – parsley and chicken rub work well. In separate bowl place 2½ cup flour. Toss chicken breasts in spice mixture, then, one by one, cover each in flour and fry in the pan with the shortening. Cook each until golden brown. Finally, cut finished biscuits in half, add a chicken breast, and enjoy!

Baseballs, Basketballs, Beach Balls... Ginger Balls?

So much of everyday life is centered around balls. When dad wants to spend some quality time with his son, they grab balls. Many a man spends his Sundays and Mondays watching other grown men play with balls. It is rare, however, that when one is hungry he immediately reaches for the balls. I now introduce the biggest revolution in ball technology since the ball pit-- The Ginger Balls. These incredible spheres of meatiness in an inconceivably-delicious sauce will cause you to rethink your view of all things that are round. After one bite, you will forever wish all the golf balls, footballs, super balls, and boccie balls that you see were made of animal flesh. Try these meaty orbs, but beware the consequences.

GINGER BALLS
By Natreed Bernellnick

Ingredients:
1 pound ground sirloin
1 pound ground hamburger
6 cloves garlic
1½ tablespoons ginger
1¼ cup jelly
1½ cup tomato sauce
2 slices of potato bread, crumbled
1 large egg
2 tablespoons Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon crushed red pepper
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
3 tablespoons butter

Directions:

Combine jelly and tomato sauce and simmer in a sauce pan. In separate bowl, combine meat, ginger, garlic, bread crumbs, egg, Italian seasoning, crushed red pepper, and cayenne pepper into homogenous mixture. Form tightly compacted balls from the meat mixture. Sauté meat balls in butter until done. Pour the sauce over the meat balls. Enjoy.

America + Hawaii = Awesome.

Legend has it that in 1829, when president Obama first opened his eyes as an infant cradled in the luscious palm trees of the Hawaiian coast, his mother’s first words to him were “Barack, pork seasoned in lots of Garlic is very tasty.” It has been this phrase that has guided much of Obama’s political career, making it a no brainer that we – as American chefs – must take Momma Obama’s words to heart. It is true, such a thing is dangerous and certainly presents the modern culinary artist with incredible challenges. Science has shown beyond a shadow of a doubt that when garlic and pork interact at such an intense level, the roof of one’s mouth could turn to jelly and slide down the esophagus. How to temper this immense power? The answer seemed too simple. Sauce.

The quest began. The right berry simply had to be found. There were red, blue, boysen, elder goose and huckle – mull, blackcurrent, rasp, straw, cloud, cran, seabuckthorn, chuck, and Manilow. Even after extensive research, no berry had been found that could block the powerful yet delightfully healthy seasoned meat. Finally, however, inspiration came. What had made the story of Obama’s birth so stimulating? It was the promise that Omomma Bama saw in her son. And with that, the riddle was solved. Obama had been born as an African American and in so doing had provided his culinarily-minded constituents with the clue they needed. Embrace the change America needs – use the blackberry.

You’ve had wraps, sure. But what you didn’t know is that they all sucked. Like our esteemed president once said, vote for the change that this nation deserves. The Mele Kalikimaka Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Aloha Hoy is the Culturally-authentic Hawaiian wrap for the smooth and savvy modern American voter. Eat up!

MELE KALIKIMAKA HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA ALOHA HOY
By Natreed Bernelnick

Ingredients:

1 small pork shoulder
8 cloves garlic
1 cup instant rice
1 pound package of fresh blackberries
1 bunch of green onions
1 package of fresh spinach
½ cup water
½ cup vinegar
½ cup blackberry juice
1 cup sugar
4 tablespoons cornstarch
2 cups flour
½ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 tablespoon butter
½ cup water

Directions:

Prepare pork shoulder by inserting garlic cloves. Place in pan with tin foil cover and cook on 300 degrees for 3 hours. In small saucepan, combine sugar, vinegar, blackberry juice, water, and cornstarch. Let simmer. Follow instructions and prepare rice. Chop green onions. Mix together flour, salt, baking powder, butter, water, and ¼ cup blackberries until elastic consistency. Break into small balls of dough and roll out very thin. Toast in ungreased frying pan. When the pork is done, pull it into hunks. Place rice, spinach, green onions, and pork meat on tortilla. Drizzle with blackberry sweet-and-sour sauce. Enjoy.

¡Tierra y Libertad!

First of all. Happy Easter, let's not forget the sacrifice that Christ made for us and the victory that He has brought the world in His triumph over death.

Blogger.com has failed us. It seems that in the initial bliss that ensued globally with our first few blog posts, there were far too many comments made in far too short a time - temporarily shutting down servers, and unfortunately - for you and those who will be born after you - the thousands upon thousands of suggestions that we could have taken and made great have been lost. Only one comment remained - a suggestion to make hamburgers.

It was a simple request - take your meat, marinate said meat, add marinated fruit, grill everything, then consume. Upon closer reading, however, we realized just how fundamentally wrong the request had been. It hadn't been a suggestion at all - Justin must have been seized by some sort of evil Food Network spirit and in that moment of culinary madness had thought it appropriate to commit the most grievous of sins - he gave us a recipe.

In our infinite alchemical-Solomonic wisdom, we took the baseness and blandness of a teriyaki burger and brought it South - and either very far east or very far west. We created a hamburger - no, a hamburguesa - that has the hurtle-jumping potential to reverse the way in which our Southern border is jumped on a daily basis. Channeling our inner Mexican eagle, we fashioned a burger too hispanic for a bun, and too tasty for an English title. chicas y chicos, we give you the Hamburguesa Mas Alla De Creencia (The Burger Beyond Belief).

Vegetarians, we know you've been waiting for that perfect opportunity to do what you know you were born to do - consume other animals. Well, wait no longer. This delicious cow-pig concoction will have you buying fur coats and animal-tested shampoo in no time at all. In fact, since it's public revealing in mexico some twenty three minutes ago, it's incandescent orange grease has been praised for its medicinal qualities. So, do what feels right - and instead of eating grass and acorns, try eating something that could easily eat you.

So. Let me conclude with the wise words of that most famous of Mexican Revolutionaries, our very own Pancho Villa: "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."

Pancho says "Goobye, until next time."

LA HAMBURGUESA MAS ALLA DE CREENCIA (THE BURGER BEYOND BELIEF)

By Natreed Bernelnick

Ingredients:

6 pearl Onions

4 roma Tomatoes

¾ can Enchilada Sauce

¼ cup chopped cilantro

1 can black beans

1 prolonged squirt of honey

¾ cup yellow corn

1 head lettuce

1 pound ground beef

1 pound chorizo Mexican sausage

1 package shredded asiago cheese

1 small container lime juice

1 package tortillas

1 plantain

* Butter

* Cooking oil

* Salt

* Toothpicks

Directions:

Combine pearl onions, roma tomatoes, garlic, and chopped cilantro in blender. Set mixture aside. Pulverize black beans into paste. Mix paste, tomato mixture, corn, and enchilada sauce in food processor and chop until sauce consistency. Add salt with discretion. Fry plantain (use instructions on plantain). Set aside. Mix chorizo sausage and beef. Form into patties and grill. When finished, take 1 tortilla, spread shredded asiago cheese. Place atop 1 patty, fried plantain slices, and lettuce. Generously add salsa. Wrap in tortilla. Flip it over onto another tortilla with asiago cheese. Wrap and pin with toothpicks. Brush on melted butter. Place on grill, flipping once and brushing on more butter. Cook until golden brown. Enjoy.

Mother, MOTHER...?

If you have a family, you have family recipes (that's right, I'm excluding you, Bambi). Passed down from generation to generation, these recipes are pretty much as old as rocks...and taste about the same. On Valley Road, we seek to take the cafeteria-tray dishes you've made countless times before and give them flavor of a magnitude that your tongues couldn't possibly repel. So if your granny-casserole dinners and vanilla-icecream desserts need a punch in the nuts, simply send us your ideas to valleyroadchefs@gmail.com and if it is good enough (or sucks enough) then we'll post our take.

Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting

If you are at all one of the lucky human beings residing in this specific space-time continuum, then there's no doubt that you've seen BBQ Pit Masters. Not only is it the pinnacle of Mom-jean TLC network television, but as most of the guys here at college will attest, it may truly be the vortex of all civilization, as far as one can know. Basically, the show features some of this most bizarre people we've ever seen cooking some of the tastiest meat we've ever seen. Any time spent watching will quickly introduce you to the BBQ god himself - Myron Mixon. The man's nuts and no one can really understand what he's saying. Every third or fourth word has been tactfully replaced with a beep tone. But upon watching it for the first time, we could swear he was encouraging us to cook our own. So, lucky for you, we took his advice.

Now, let me warn you. Even though most recipes are from Satan, BBQ sauce is by far the most difficult thing we've cooked - and if you're not ready to spend all of a Saturday afternoon mixing ingredients together, then you better wait till your older and more mature. The research for this recipe was particularly short - we just woke up, knew instinctively that what Myron said would come true, and headed to the food-mecca of the world, Kroger.

We began with tomato paste. Then we spent the next few hours pulling something like a Michaelangelo - cutting everything away from that tomato sauce that wasn't BBQ goodness. Well, except we added things to it instead.

After we made the sauce, we put it on a shoulder. But you don't want to brush this shoulder off. Both of us decided that it was some of the best BBQ we've had and are lucky and grateful that some of it is still with us in our fridge. So. Moral of the story - listen to Myron like he's your mother. Or a prophet. Or if your mother was a prophet, then just your mother. But, don't try BBQ unless you're cool - its development resists the proud and the ignorant. Fortunately for you, we are neither. Here we go:

VALLEY ROAD STYLE BBQ

By Natreed Bernelnick

Ingredients:

3 cans tomato paste

1 tablespoon paprika

1 tablespoon ground mustard

1 ¼ tablespoon salt

½ cup molasses

1 mango

1 large onion

2 strips bacon

1 bunch green onion

3 grilled jalapenos

¼ cup Worchester sauce

⅓ cup honey

¼ cup vinegar

4 tablespoon liquid smoke

1 bulb colossal garlic

1 pork shoulder

* Use water to thin – with discretion

Directions

Cook pork shoulder at 300 degrees for 5 hours. While cooking, add all ingredients in a large cooking pot to make sauce. When shoulder is done, tear into bite-size pieces using two forks. Add sauce until each piece is covered, but do not use more than that. Enjoy.

Kill and Eat

The recipe I'm about to share with you comes straight from the ferocious throws of blood-thirsty cook-off competition. One finds many such events at college, but unfortunately for far too many, the food isn't taken nearly as seriously as it should. Don't cook to participate, cook to destroy. Yeah, it can be true that one competes against himself, but never forget that if you lose, or worse - if you use a recipe - you don't lose to just yourself, but to all of your peers who printed their ingredients off some yuppy-Emeril food network site.

Cooking is an art. And Germany is an art - or something like that. When faced with our first challenge - to create one of America's favorite stews, the common chili - we chose to develop something incredibly unique. Ladies and gentlemen, the German Blitzkrieg Chili - a divinely delicious dish meant to transport you to the octoberfesty goodness of bratwurst and beer country.

GERMAN BLITZKREIG CHILI

By Natreed Bernelnick

Ingredients:

5 medium sweet onions

1 stick butter

1 pound hot sausage

1 pound original sausage

1 pound sage sausage

1 large can crushed tomatoes

1 can tomato sauce

⅓ can sauerkraut

2 cans black beans

¼ cup horseradish mustard

2 bottles beer

1 clove elephant garlic

1 package fresh marjoram

Directions:

Dice 4 onions and sauté in butter with garlic and marjoram. Add ½ bottle of beer. Remove from pan and set aside. Cook all sausage with the remaining onion and ½ bottle of beer. Add the onion/garlic/marjoram mixture to the sausage, and add remaining beer. Drain and mash black beans into paste. Add bean paste into mixture. Add mustard, sauerkraut, crushed tomatoes, and tomato sauce. Let simmer for as much time as can be allowed. Enjoy.